Customer A walks through door of computer repair shop.
CSR: Hi there, what can I help you with?
Customer A: I JUST BOUGHT THIS COMPUTER AND I CAN’T CHANGE THE RAM MYSELF. HOW MUCH IS IT?
CSR: The RAM is about 80 dollars and..
Customer A: I HAVE THE RAM. JUST HOW MUCH IS IT FOR YOU GUYS TO PUT IT IN FOR ME? I SHOULD GET IT FOR FREE BECAUSE I HAVE A WARRANTY.
CSR: OK, well, if you have a seat…
Customer A: I DON’T WANT TO SIT. I JUST WANT A RAM UPGRADE. FOR FREE.
CSR: There are a few things I need to know first..
A. Can you use your wand to fight the demon creature that killed your parents? B. Have you ever uttered the words: “You cannot pass… I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass.” while you fight a flame-creature named Balrog? C. Have you ever ridden a dragon, or dragon-like creature, or even a broom?
Customer A: …. No.
CSR: Not even ridden a broom?
Customer A: Nope.
CSR: Then you need my help. So shut up and sit down.
Growing up with a single father and a brother means that all and any wacky schemes will likely be undertaken, usually to compensate for months of neglect. For as long as I can remember, there has been an acknowledged tradition of success in getting rid of the Christmas Tree, in March.
My father coined this brilliant strategy, presumably modeling it on a Sam Spade narrative. When March rolls around, and the tree has been dried of any and all moisture, thus leaving it impossible to carry out of the house at night, without leaving a messy trail of pine needles, we take out the hack-saw.
See, HEALTH have a new album called Get Color coming out September 8 on Lovepump United. It’s good. Check the new song “We Are Water”, streaming below, for proof. But the album’s general all-around goodness won’t be the only reason to pick up a copy. The members of the band have included prize tickets in 66 copies of the album, and those tickets will be good for all sorts of totally ridiculous prizes.
Whoever finds the first prize ticket will win a weekend in Los Angeles, the band’s hometown. You get a free round-trip plane ticket, and you get to stay with the band. They’ll take you to Six Flags and the zoo, and they’ll bring you breakfast in bed.
As first prizes go, this isn’t quite as amazing as a tour of a mysterious, magical chocolate factory staffed by orange-skinned dwarfs, but it’s pretty damn close. There’s also less chance of turning purple after chewing a piece of gum. (The band’s one caveat: “IF YOU HAVE BEEN REMANDED TO EITHER A PENITENTIARY OR A MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY FOR A CUSTODIAL SENTENCE UP TO OR EXCEEDING 30 DAYS, PLEASE PROVIDE US WITH FULL DISCLOSURE. THIS IS FOR OUR SAFETY AND YOURS.”)
65 other albums will also feature color-coded tickets redeemable for prizes like personal gifts, t-shirts, locks of a band member’s hair, fur from a band member’s cat, and posters or records signed by the band in their own blood. Or, there are more experiential prizes:
“WE WILL GET STEADILY INEBRIATED WITH YOU OVER I-CHAT WHILE WORKING ON A PROJECT TOGETHER” “AN UPLIFTING PHONE CALL FROM HEALTH’S MANAGER” “A PERSONALITY TEST HAND COMPLETED BY A BAND MEMBER” “WE CONFERENCE CRANK CALL A PROMINENT INDIE MUSICIAN TOGETHER”
I love this band.
Best promotion ever. Some of these are just stunning.
“But obviously we weren’t enough for Joey, he went to join a couple of blonds with nips coming out the tops of their dresses. They looked like sluts. Little did Joey know that those kinds of girls are boring in bed. It’s the sluts in sheep’s clothing that you have to be worried about (or get excited about). But I digress…”—Tales from a Bar Stool via Winnie Cooper